


Oh how I've wanted, all this time (why could I not see it till now)

by MatildaSwan



Category: Doctor Who (2005), Doctor Who (Big Finish Audio)
Genre: A Trip to the Fairground, Dinner dates, F/F, Kate Stewart Appreciation Week, Miscommunications & Misunderstandings, Osgood's got is Bad for Kate; she's also bad at listening to her, Pining, ft. a stuffed triceratops called Cera
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-14
Updated: 2017-11-14
Packaged: 2019-02-02 07:09:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,153
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12721983
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MatildaSwan/pseuds/MatildaSwan
Summary: Thing have been different between them, these past weeks,months, with Kate asking for more of Osgood, outside of work; with Kate asking to be friends outside of work, and Osgood more than happy to answer in kind.It's just a pity Osgood cannot help herself from wanting more of Kate, to be more with Kate, than just colleagues and only friends.Or is it?





	Oh how I've wanted, all this time (why could I not see it till now)

**Author's Note:**

> Day Two of #KSAW: 'Kate Stewart in love' bc I have to stagger my entries over the week rather than posting for the whole week
> 
> Shout out to Arwen for beta-ing, ur a babe!
> 
> CW: Osgood's got some lingering unworthiness anxiety and a touch of self-hatred for sexual/romantic thoughts about a friend

Osgood should have stopped this long ago, she knows she should have, but she couldn’t help herself. She never was good at saying no to anyone, least of all Kate, because all she’s ever wanted to do is say yes to anything Kate has ever asked of her, ever since she pulled her aside at a post-graduation mixer and wondered if Osgood wanted to know just how big the universe truly is.

She’d said yes then and she says yes now. What else can she say to the woman who appeared one day, without warning and out of the blue—after Osgood spent years, _decades_ being good but never quite enough—to tell Osgood she was more than enough— ‘You’re quite extraordinary, really,’ she’d said with a smile so bright Osgood felt her cheeks burn—to stand beside Kate at her right arm and quite literally hold the future of the world in the palm of their hands. 

Why on _earth_ would she ever want to give Kate less than everything she ever asks? And it’s not as if her requests are unreasonable: usually a way out of global annihilation, and a cobbled together piece of tech they need to save the planet. Osgood’s had a lot of practice with those, in the years they’ve been working together. But recently, these past few week, months, it’s been more, something different. It’s been Kate asking for her company: drinks after a long day, the occasional bite to eat, a late night movie on the odd evening when the world hasn’t ended, or been invaded, or at least come close. 

It’s been Kate asking to be friends. 

She knows Kate’s been lonely since the divorce—that Kate lost more than just her wife when she left—that it took Kate months to get used to coming home to a quiet house and an empty bed and there are days when she can’t bear the thought at all, staying late—later even, than Osgood—just to avoid the drive home (Kate had mentioned one morning, off handed and distracted and clutching a cup of coffee in her hand while Osgood sipped at her own—both of them bleary eyed from working so late into the night that it might well have been morning by the time they got home—that she misses waking up on the water some nights, because even when she was alone she still had the rocking of the channel to lull her to sleep).

She knows all Kate wants is a friend, so who better than Osgood, already beside Kate during the day and with the right security clearance to keep her memories if Kate wants to spend her nights taking too; who better than Osgood, always here and ready and waiting to give Kate whatever she might need.

She certainly can’t begrudge Kate her company, not when she's so glad to give it; not just at work—morning coffees and break room teas and late night conversations in the lab before both of them call it a day—but outside of it too; because at the end of everything, Osgood likes Kate’s company and always has done (that’s the problem, really, now she likes it a little too much, more than she used to and steadily growing into too much to ignore).

So when Kate asks, she says yes.

And it’s not as if she’s _incapable_ of refusing, when she needs to: when it’s late and she really is too tired, when preventing the latest global crisis really has stretched her too thin and she needs to be alone, when she has someone waiting for her at home: like her parents, just the other week. 

‘Fancy a drink?’ Kate asked, slouched against the doorframe to the lab. ‘It’s 11 o’clock somewhere in the world, after all.’

Osgood chuckles as she looked up, that joke worn and weathered and comforting, then looked at the time. She cussed.

‘No, sorry, can’t tonight,’ she said, scrambling to pack up her lab, explaining in a rush, ‘Parents are coming round for dinner. I should be getting home soon or I’ll be late.’

‘We can’t have that now, can we,’ Kate teased gently, shaking her head with a small, wicked smile. Osgood threw the last of her things in her bag and turned towards Kate to see her smile soften.‘Pass on my regards?’

Osgood nods, distracted, as she shift the strap of her bag and ushers Kate out of the lab, locking it behind her. 

She turned from the door, intent on wishing Kate goodnight. ‘Another night, later this week?’ fell from her traitorous mouth instead. 

Osgood hadn’t time to worry about it before Kate smiled. 

‘I’d like that,’ she said, her hands in the pockets of her long puce coat and rocking slightly onto herbooted heels. ‘Weather pending,’she’d added with a knowing look, brow furrowed and mouth pouted, eyes sparkling with humour from another of their long-held joke: more often than not, cloudy with a chance of invasion was just another Tuesday. 

Osgood had beamed and nodded; bid her goodnight and raced away.

So she can actually say no; it’s just that Osgood doesn’t want to, just as she wants to offer Kate her time as often as she asks for it, as she had, a few days later. 

‘It really has been a quiet week,’ Kate mused, starting on the stack of reports on Osgood’s desk, a fraction of the height it would normally be, while Osgood finished collating that afternoon’s experiments.  

‘Don’t point it out, you’ll jinx it,’ Osgood teased, ‘I was looking forward to going home on time.’ 

‘And so you shall,’ Kate agreed, putting her files down and stretching. ‘I’m keen to be getting out of here too, if I’m honest.’

‘Any plans?’

‘No.’

‘Dinner?’ 

‘I’d love to,’ Kate replied with a small smile so warm and bright it left Osgood struggling not to read too much into it. 

Because there’s no way Kate could ever want that, want _her_ , and certainly never enough to consider circumventing the chain of command (Osgood knows they’re not technically bound by military regulations but Kate is her boss and even if that doesn’t prohibit matters it does complicate them nonetheless, and Osgood knows Kate has worked too hard to allow any possible undermining of her position for anyone, let alone Osgood). 

It’s getting so so hard, and she’s not sure how much more of this she can bear, being so close to Kate and knowing Kate doesn’t want her at all. Because if she’s honest with herself, really honestly, the way she can only manage in the dead of night and wrapped up in warm blankets and well worn worries and no one near enough to hear her thoughts, it’s not just drinks with colleagues or dinner with friends: it’s something different and has been for some time. It’s something else that leaves Osgood flushed and flustered when Kate bids her goodnight before turning tail and walking out of Osgood’s lab with the click of her heels echoing around the stone of the tower, and Osgood has to force herself to stay sitting when all she really wants to do it rush after Kate and pull her close and kiss her beautiful mouth.

Harder still, when they’re sat across from one another in a cosy Italian restaurant with the best pesto penne Osgood has ever eaten and both bathed in candlelight as they wait for the extra serving of tiramisu she ordered because she knows it’s Kate’s favourite. 

She should stop tormenting herself with this, being so close to something she can’t have, but she can’t help herself; because having some of Kate is more than enough most of the time, and whenever it’s not it’s just her own weakness taking over. 

She knows she’s important to Kate, that her company means something to her, and she won’t hurt Kate with her inability to keep her damn feelings in check. She won’t leave Kate all alone again, not now she’s found her feet and started smiling again. 

So when Kate starts musing in between bites of her desserts about the fair coming to town the next weekend—the one she used to take Gordon and Eleanor to when they were children—and wondering out loud whether it’s changed since she’s last seen it, before admitting it’s a shame they’re both away with their mother in Switzerland because it’s always nicer to go with someone else, Osgood just can’t help herself. 

‘I could go with you, if you like?’ Her heartbeat thumps in her ear; beats harder when Kate breaks out in a wide smile and reaches over for her glass.

‘I would, thank you.’ She sips at the last of her wine, eyes the stem of her glass as she puts it back on the table. Shoots a rueful grin across the table and Osgood feels the corner of her lips curl at the words she already knows are coming next. ‘Weather pending.’

Kate looks so beautiful in the candlelight Osgood can barely stand it. She scoops up an overly large spoonful of sponge and shoves it in her mouth, swallowing it down along with her feelings. 

*

The weather stays clear come Thursday, leaving the two of them free to enjoy a night at the fair. 

‘Let's go this evening?’ Kate suggests as the tower starts emptying around them. ‘Never know what might happen tomorrow.’

Osgood isn’t sure if that reminder is supposed to be reassuring or terrifying, but she smiles and nods and lets herself be lead here, beside Kate, as they walk up and down the length of the fair, jumping from ride to stall to street performer while Kate drinks in the night with near-childlike glee as she munches on fairy floss and smile at the oodles of kids running their parents ragged as they darting around fairground.

Osgood is happy to follow Kate’s lead, stealing the odd bit of floss when it’s offered and doing her best not to get tripped over by stray children—one overzealous kid almost bowls her over, and it’s only Kate’s quick reflexes and hand on her hip, grip tight and palms warm even through three layers of clothes that stops her from falling face first onto the ground—until a huge triceratops hanging among an array of fuffy stuffed toys catches her eye. She can’t help gasping. 

‘What is it?’ Kate queried, stopping in her tracks and following Kate line of sight to shoot-the-target stall nearby.

‘Oh, it’s nothing.’ Osgood flapped her hand; Kate raised a brow. ‘Okay, that dinosaur over there, it’s adorable.’

Kate hummed thoughtfully, appraising the stall and its prizes, before nodding sharply, resolve shining in her eyes.  

She brushes past Osgood, slipping her hand into hers to tug her over to the stall.  

‘Come on then,’ she challenged, planting Osgood in front of the vendor and forking out tokens. ‘Lets see how good a shot you are.’

A decent one, it turns out, much better than she’d thought, but not good enough to win the triceratops. She opts for a tiny shark as reward for her efforts but knows she can’t quite keep the disappointment out of her smile. She turns away to keep walking through the fair, only to find Kate already aiming the fairground rifle to take her first shot. 

Osgood doubts she’ll ever really come to terms with how the sight of Kate with a gun in her hands can be so unnerving and enticing at the same time, and she watches in slight awe as she knocks down every target she aims at. The sessions with Carter really have definitely paid off.

‘Here you are.’ Kate eyes shine with smug delight as she pushes the mottled green and grey triceratops into Osgood’s arms.

Osgood stammers her thanks, trying not to be too distracted by Kate’s self-satisfied smirk, and hugs it to her chest. ‘Hall of mirrors next?’ 

‘Actually, I fancy an ice cream first.’ Kate nods to a truck nearby before pointing to an empty bench. ‘Grab us a seat and I’ll be right over.’

Kate rushes away and Osgood stares for a few moments, a bit bewildered, at Kate’s back as she waits in line. Till Kate senses she’s still staring and turns around; flashes Osgood an affectionate smile and jerks her head towards the still empty bench.

‘Go on,’ Kate mouths, giggles creasing her cheeks, before turning away as the line shifts forward. 

Osgood squeezes the toy so tight it fluffs near bursting as she dashes over to the seat. She puts it on the set beside her to dry her damp palms on her trouser legs, and when Kate comes back—caramel and vanilla bean swirl in one hand, and boysenberry and raspberry ripple held out to Osgood in the other—and sits on the other side of the bench while Osgood stares at the cone in her hand with her favourite flavours that Kate bought for her just because she could, Osgood is glad of the distance because it’s the only thing stopping her from sliding near and kissing Kate, good sense and the threat of berry-red stains be damned. 

Is more grateful still, when Kate takes her first lick of sticky caramel topping and a tongue full of ice cream **,** her eyes fluttering shut with pleasure and moaning deep in her throat, and the thought of Kate moaning like _that_ and Osgood above her, against her, _inside_ her, springs to Osgood’s mind, leaving her breathless and dizzy with the realisation of just how much she _wants_ that. 

Because she doesn’t deserve to be close to Kate. How dare she offer to spend the evening with Kate somewhere so special to her—something she shared with her family when they were young and happy and still together—only to taint it, _ruin_ it, with her own errant feelings screaming to be heard and wishing something of Kate she could never want. 

The ice cream turns bittersweet against Osgood’s tongue; she wishes the ground would open up and swallow her whole. What kind of a person takes advantage of their friend like that?

‘So, what do you fancy next?’ Kate muses between licks, preoccupied with her dessert and not noticing Osgood’s state. ‘Mirrors now? Or we haven’t gone on the ferris wheel yet, I bet the view is lovely from the top.’

Osgood stands up abruptly.

‘Actually Kate, I’ve got to go,’ she starts, bile in her throat and desperate to run—Kate just wanted company, she was so excited to see the fair, and Osgood had to go and ruin it all by being in love with her, by _wanting_ her. ‘It’s getting late and I have to be in early tomorrow.’ She throws her ice cream in the nearby bin; she needs to leave and scrambles for a lie as to why: ‘I’ve a batch of tests that need looking over first thing before I can write the final report I said I’d get to you tomorrow.’

‘Oh, right.’ Kate’s face falls. ‘Yes, of course,’ she adds with a smile that doesn’t reach her eyes as she stands up. ‘I can give you a lift home if you like?’

‘No, you stay,’ Osgood urges, already backing away and decidedly not looking at Kate. ‘I know how much you were looking forward to tonight, enjoy your evening.’

‘Well, yes, but—’

‘I'll see you tomorrow.’ Osgood calls over her shoulder as she turns and darts away, definitively not looking behind her. 

(She doesn’t see Kate’s hurt, confused, _heartbroken_ face as she clings to the stupid stuffed toy Osgood left behind when she ran away.)

*

Osgood gets to the tower even earlier than she’d promised herself, awake two hours before her alarm from a night of fitful sleep and not wanting to stay in bed, tossing and turning and thinking herself sick. 

She’d rather have something else to think about, and knows she needs the time to settle herself before she has to deal with people around her, with Kate near her. She’s glad of the silence in the otherwise empty lab and she rushes through her work faster than her racing thoughts can catch up to. 

She’s settled enough when her team start to file in. She says hello to them all, already prepared for Kate to come in like she usually does with spare coffee in one hand and her own in the other to sit beside Osgood and get the run down of the day. But it gets to 10 o’clock and still no sign of Kate near the labs and Osgood is is torn between relief at having a little more time to gather herself, and despair at simply not seeing Kate.

It’s not till lunchtime when Carter stops by Osgood in the break room that she hears what’s been happening elsewhere in the tower. 

‘Hey Osgood, mind if I sit?’ 

Osgood smiles as best she can as she chews on her egg and cress.

‘God, she’s in a right state today,’ he says once he’s sat. ‘She chewed up the team on secondment from Prague so well for a second there I thought she wasn’t going to spit them back out again.’ 

‘Who has?’

‘Kate. Do you know what’s wrong?’

‘No? I haven’t spoken to her today.’ She shuffles uncomfortably in her seat, knot in her stomach. ‘I haven’t even seen her.’

‘Oh, so _that’s_ what’s wrong,’ he says with a knowing nod. ‘Sorry to hear the honeymoon phase is over.’

‘The what?’ Osgood stammered, growing more flushed and confused by the second. ‘With, who?’

‘Kate, of course, who else?’ Josh says with a laugh. ‘Not like you to have a harem of girlfriends stashed away somewhere.’

‘What, no—I haven’t got _any_ girlfriends anywhere.’

‘Oh, right, partner, then? Sorry.’ he pauses. ‘So what’s happened with you two? I hope it’s nothing major—’

‘Josh!’ Osgood shouts, cutting him off. His eyes snap up and widen when he sees Osgood’s face. ‘What the ever loving _fuck_ are you talking about?’

Osgood cussing is a rarity at the worst of times, to be expected when they’re about to die but uncommon all the same; in the middle of break room on a lazy Friday morning it’s completely unheard of, much less hissed in someone’s face while Osgood’s whole body shakes. 

‘I, I mean, you and Kate, you’ve been...I didn’t realise it was supposed to be a secret, it’s been months I thought everyone knew, I, sorry I’m—’

‘Kate and I aren’t together.’

‘Oh,’ Josh says, crestfallen. She thinks she preferred it when she hadn’t a clue what he was saying. ‘I didn’t think, I mean—I’m sorry to hear it.’

‘No, Josh, we’ve _never_ been together, and I have no idea why you’d think ever were.’

Josh looks at her curiously. ‘What about all those dinner dates and trips to the flicks you’ve keep banging on about?’

Osgood baulks. ‘But, those were just, we were just,’ she splutters, burning beet red. ‘We were just friends spending time outside of work, that’s all.’

‘Maybe,’ Josh hums thoughtfully, ‘Maybe those trips to be pub with the rest of us. But she doesn’t take any of her other colleagues out to dinner, does she? Doesn’t bring anyone else coffee every morning either.’

‘It’s not every morning! And I get her coffee too,’ she argues weakly.

‘Yes, you do, Osgood,’ he says, tone weighted and knowing. ‘I know you two are a team, but I’m sure me and my CO don’t look at each other the way you two do, and we definitely don’t have romantic candle lit dinners on our evenings off. What _else_ would you call it?’

‘I…I don’t know,’ Osgood replies meekly, mind whirling as she thinks back over the past weeks and finally letting herself see the things Kate’s been doing, been asking, that Osgood’s convinced herself could never be there, all this time. Thinks about last night, how Kate took her to fair and spent the evening making Osgood laugh and won her a silly stuffed toy because Osgood wanted it and bought her favourite ice cream without needing to ask and then offered to share the evening view with Osgood from the top of a ferris wheel.

And Osgood just _left._

A wave of nausea washes over her and she buries her head in her hands. 

_'Osgood!’_ she comes back to herself a few moments later, to Carter staring concerned and waving a hand in front of her face. ‘There’s something happening in your lab, one of the techs just walked in almost crying. Come on!’

They rush up to the lab faster than Osgood’s racing thoughts and walk into Osgood’s office to find Kate still yelling at one of Osgood’s team.

Osgood stares as Kate rants until Carter elbows her in the rib. She looks over, he jerks his head towards Kate, and Osgood’s mouth unglues itself.

‘Ma’am!’ 

The yelling stops. The room goes silent. Kate turns towards the doorway.

‘Yes?’

‘May I have a word?’

Kate stares, shoulders tense, and waits for Osgood to speak. 

‘In private?’

Kate inhales sharply and Osgood holds her breath. 

‘My office,’ she grits out, before striding past Osgood without a second glance. 

The room breathes a sigh of relief as Kate storms away. Osgood watches her, wondering how she can walk so quickly in boots with heels that size Osgood will never know, and follows her up the hall. 

She takes her time, gives Kate a few moments to herself while she steels herself for what she’s about to do, before walking through the open door of Kate’s office. 

She sees Kate sitting against the edge of her desk, her head hung low and muttering towards the ground, and doesn’t knock; shuts the door behind her instead, and turns back to Kate looking up at her with regret and shame written all over her face and her shoulders sagging now all the fight has left her. 

‘You don’t have to say anything,’ she starts, raising her hands in palm opened surrender, averting her eyes and turning her chin away. ‘I was out of line, I know. I’ll given them some time to collect themselves and apologise.’

Her hands fall to either side of her hips on the edge of the desk. ‘I should know better than to let my personal feelings get in the way of my job,’ she mutters under her breath, but still loud enough for Osgood to hear, shaking her head at herself and still not looking at Osgood.

Osgood smiles sadly, now absolutely certain she’s the reason behind Kate’s foul mood, and walks over to Kate’s side. She puts her hand on top of Kate’s, and squeezes gently;Kate looks up, slightly startled, blinking and confused, but doesn’t move away.

‘You know it frightens the scientists when you pull rank and go all big macho army commander on them,’ she chides gently, hoping to coax a smile. Kate’s cheeks twitch just a bit. ‘But it’s not all your fault. I’m the reason you’re in such a state, if you’re going to yell at anyone, it ought to be me,’ Osgood adds and Kate frowns again, shaking her head and stammering the first syllables of a rebuttal. 

‘Josh pointed it out to me earlier, that I’ve been a bit dense lately, that I haven’t been listening to you very well. I’m sorry I didn’t realise what you’ve been asking of me lately.’ 

Kate snaps her mouth shut, gobsmacked and confused, and just _looks_ at Osgood as if she’s grown a second head.

‘But I’d like to make it up to you now, if you’ll let me,’ she offers, hopeful and giddy with all the bravery going to her head. ‘Because I have something of yours from last night.’

‘No, I do, you left the dinosaur behind, I—’ Kate stammers. 

‘I know, I’m sorry,’ she apologises, stepping closer and cupping Kate’s cheek in the palm of her hand. ‘But I meant this,’ she whispers against Kate’s lips before kissing her softly.

Kate tenses against her, and for one horrible moment Osgood fears she’s got it all wrong, _again._ Then Kate hums against her lips, surges forward to kiss her fiercely with her hands on Osgood’s hips and pulling her closer. Osgood whimpers and melts against her, Kate’s tongue sliding over hers and her fingers in Kate’s hair, kissing till they’re breathless and dizzy. 

Eventually they break apart Osgood opens her eyes to see Kate smiling the brightest she’s ever seen. Osgood giggles, she can’t help it; she hears Kate chuckle too, and can’t quite believe it.

‘Come home with me tonight?’ Osgood asks, still panting gently and giddy, tucking a stray lock of hair behind Kate’s ear. ‘Weather pending.’

Kate snorts, smirks, dips her head to steal another kiss. ‘I thought you’d never ask.’


End file.
